Major change doesn’t have to wreck your friendships

This story was originally published in The Highlight, Vox’s member-exclusive magazine. To get early access to member-exclusive stories every month, join the Vox Membership program today. One of the earliest declarations of love we’re exposed to is the classic childhood best friend pact. Though we aren’t old enough to sign legally binding documents, a pinky promise is enough of a covenant to stay in each other’s lives, come hell or high water. My grade-school BFF and my promise to each other involved sticking together even in the face of a vicious natural calamity, a flesh-eating virus, or some sort of astronomical phenomenon that wipes out the planet. Although our younger selves foresaw the most ridiculous worst-case scenarios, we failed to take into account the natural ebbs and flows of life. Even the strongest friendships can fall through the cracks due to very normal life transitions, like moving across the country, getting married, or having kids. It’s a common experience for many once-sure-to-be-lifelong friends. “Every seven years, we lose about half our friends. So our friends are really fragile to loss when we enter these different life stages,” says Marisa Franco, professor, speaker, and author of Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends. This is primarily because friendships are established on the basis of commonality: shared experiences, values, or contexts. It’s why our closest ties stay relatively stable through our elementary school years, then start to fissure as we hit early adolescence — a pattern that continues well into young adulthood. As stated in psychoanalyst Erik Erikson’s theory of human development, this psychosocial stage can trigger feelings of isolation and tear apart even our oldest friendships. Sometimes, these end in messy feuds, others in devastatingly quiet fallouts. It can be easy to compare ourselves to friends who might be in a different life stage than us, especially if they’re the ones reaching traditional life milestones at the age they’re expected to. Female friendship coach and educator Danielle Bayard Jackson says that one of the three main sources of conflict she’s observed in other people is a lack of symmetry. “Symmetry is feelings of reciprocity, balance, and egalitarianism, meaning that we’re equals and we’re both contributing equally [to the relationship],” she says. “But as soon as one party believes that the other person is ... totally absent or there’s an imbalance, that’s going to be an issue.” As a result, we might feel estranged from or even resentful of those who graduate with no delays, easily buy a place of their own, or even get to retire on time when we aren’t at that point yet. But if we’re lucky enough to find our people in a world plagued by loneliness, we should be more inclined than ever to keep them. Friendship isn’t a static thing, but it can survive various life stages if we remain committed to mutual love and respect. Recognize what has changed in the relationship The process of getting older has been psychologically proven to alter our behavior, with adults having higher rates of willpower, altruism, and trust. But this doesn’t automatically render us incompatible with people from previous stages of our life. Before questioning the very foundation of your relationship, pause and reflect on whether it’s your friend’s circumstances (e.g., you no longer stan the same celebrity that brought you together) or their character (e.g., they constantly look down on you after entering into a relationship) that has changed. If they are still the same person at their core that you originally befriended, there’s no reason to believe that the damage is irreparable. And while life might look different for both parties over time, there may still be common ground worth saving. “Often, we’re getting along with someone because of things that transcend life stage,” Franco says. “Like, I can be really vulnerable with this person. They make me feel, seen, heard, validated.” Be interested in new differences Once we’ve established that our friends are essentially the evolved versions of who we first met and loved, it’s time to reframe how we think of the changes in their lives. “Another thing I would suggest is just really being open to being welcomed into each other’s different worlds … and even inviting each other into them,” Franco advises. This could look like hearing about their child’s latest achievement, attending a work event that’s really important to them, or simply being present during the first stages of a new relationship. “Seeing this as an opportunity for each of you to kind of expand and understand each other more deeply, instead of seeing these differences as a threat to your relationship, I think can be really important,” Franco says. Ashlee Baritugo, a 24-year-old marketing associate, is the only person in her friend group who isn’t in a long-term relationship. “They’re couples but not in a way that makes me feel pathetic around them. … [In our group], it’s really about making sure that we never make anyone feel better or worse for where they are,” she says. Aside from deepening our existing relationships, constantly interacting with those whose circles don’t intersect with ours opens us up to new knowledge, perspectives, and opportunities we might not have been exposed to otherwise. This phenomenon is referred to as relational diversity in our social portfolios, which has been linked to higher levels of well-being. “When I was going through my dating phase earlier this year, [my friends] were really there to listen and they would ask me [questions], entertain me,” Baritugo says. “It’s also interesting to have another perspective on the issue: Taken people will view some things differently.” Communicate expectations One of the most jarring changes faced by those in mixed-stage friendships is not having the same access to each other as before. When a friend achieves a certain milestone, Jackson says, “Sometimes, we’re so scared of looking like we’re jealous, insecure, or envious that we’re dishonest about how we really feel about things changing.” Tamika Smith, a 39-year-old public speaker and entrepreneur, faced this dilemma when she became a mother at 17. “Everything I did from that point on was focused on my baby. I was navigating motherhood, adjusting to this new chapter, forgiving myself, and trying to rediscover who I was,” she tells Vox. “I can count on one hand how many times I let this friend be part of my journey. I shut down and didn’t communicate.” Both parties should be willing to articulate and specify what their preferred form of support looks like. Maybe it’s setting aside the last Saturday of the month for brunch, or FaceTiming first thing in the morning. Just because you’ve been friends for a long time doesn’t mean they can read your mind. Ask each other what it might look like to stay close even through a particular change. “As an adult, I manage relationships by being open and communicating my feelings,” Smith says. “For example, if I’m overwhelmed, I’ll let my friends know that I might get a bit quiet to focus, but I’m still here if they need me. I support my friends wholeheartedly.” Work on writing a new chapter together Ultimately, some friendships will never go back to the way they were before your paths diverged. “People get discouraged because things aren’t like they used to be. So all we have is the present, and we’re comparing it to the past.” Jackson says. “[You might think] ‘We used to do road trips. We used to stay out on Friday nights. We used to and we can’t do that anymore. I guess this is the end of the friendship.’” However, the present is the perfect canvas to create new memories. These can be activities you wanted to do in the past that you never had the time or resources for, or bonding opportunities that could help you either see each other in a new light or remind yourselves of why you’re chosen family. Remember, these need not be expensive plans, just expansive for your relationship. Regardless of your best efforts, schedules may still shift. “If I value the relationship, I’d have to give us a little bit of grace. How are we going to do our friendship like this? How can I give grace for the fact that she or her rhythm might change?” Jackson says. “And how can I find security in knowing she’ll come back to me? For those who are experiencing a life change, how can I verbalize that as much as possible?” If only one side is exerting all the effort for prolonged periods of time, there’s no shame in reassessing whether the relationship is worth keeping. “Something that once came with ease now requires mental labor, and that is uncomfortable. The terms and conditions of a friendship have changed, and I have to figure out if I want to adapt,” says Jackson. It’s make-or-break situations like this that allow us to distinguish the purely circumstantial ties from the ones that will stand the test of time. Given our callous culture of hyperindividualism, though, this is much easier said than done. We are often encouraged to cut our losses immediately and are constantly reminded that we don’t owe anything to anyone. But Franco stresses that longstanding friendships are hard to come by. Every chance to save them is worth taking. “I think there is an importance to staying friends with people that know your history, that know sides of you you’ll never have back, that you’ll only be able to access when you’re around them,” she says. “Even as these shifts happen in our life, it’s really important to try and maintain these connections.”

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Major change doesn’t have to wreck your friendships